End Up Tales: April/May 2012

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Casual hating

by Anonymous
  You and I were three dates in after meeting on OKCupid —an 86 percent match — and three drinks deep at Muu-Muu’s that Saturday night. “Maybe this is the beer talking,†I ask boldly, the beer definitely talking, “but I like you a lot. Can we be boyfriends?†You fall silent. “Here’s the thing,†you say, “I’m just looking for a fun thing …†“Hold it,†I interrupt you, “what the fuck does that actually mean?†“I just want to date casually right now.†You avert your eyes, look down at the table. “That’s what I’m asking — what does ‘dating casually’ mean to you?†Your face is as blank as a test pattern. “I just want to have fun?†I down a gulp of my beer. “Seriously! What the hell do you mean when you say you just want a ‘fun casual thing?†Silence. You frown slightly, still looking down at the table. I go on. “Does it mean you just want sex? Because there’s plenty of sex out there, plenty of ways to find just sex. There are bars and bathhouses and apps for your phone and websites, all full of guys who just want to fuck. Does it mean you just want to go out and have fun with people? Because other people have friends for that, and coworkers, and family, and the random drunks at the dive bar who would love to tell you their life story over a few beers.†“That’s not what I mean …,†you say weakly. I don’t let you continue. “Do you mean you just want to play house?†I go on, feeling my face flush hot. “You want to go home and watch movies and cuddle on your bed and sleep in each other’s arms tonight, but not have to call me tomorrow? You want someone who’ll call you if he has good pot to share, but won’t bother you if he’s sick or sad or scared or any of the other normal human things?†“Are you just going to attack me?†you say, a cold glint in your eyes. “This isn’t a fucking attack, man. This is calling you out. I’m telling you that there’s no such goddamned thing as casual dating. There’s dating or there’s not dating. There’s being into someone or not being into someone. There’s leading someone on or not leading someone on.†“I’ve totally dated guys who are just into a casual thing before,†you say coldly. “Well, yeah,†I almost shout, “I’ve also totally dated guys even though they aren’t actually the guys I wanted, too! At the very least they’ve been warm, and present, and distracted me from the loneliness for a little while. But that’s not the fucking point!†“And what do you think the point is?†you bark, grabbing your coat and telephone. “Not asking some guy to be the filler of a void that belongs only to you!†I shout. “Not being willingly half-alive, half-present, half-assed with someone else just to avoid the hard stuff! Having fun, yes, and being casually yourself, yes, but also being a fucking human being, and letting someone else be a human being. Not saying that the only things you want are the fun, casual parts, because that’s only a fraction of all this dating shit! The point is not to waste your time and everyone else’s time going on dates like a fucking adult if you aren’t actually interested in an adult relationship!†“I’m out of here,†you say, standing up, “and you need to cool the fuck down.†I grab my beer glass, splash the last of my porter onto your white shirt. “No, dude. You cool the fuck down — and don’t pull this shit on anyone else. Don’t go on dates if you don’t want to date!†And that, kids, is how I got 86’d from Muu-Muu’s over an 86 percent.  
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