Whiskey & Sympathy: April/May 2012

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Dear Sophia and Gula,

My ex-girlfriend dumped me about six months ago after dating for a year and a half. She claims that she dumped me because I was — no fucking joke — “too awesome and extraordinary" for her, and that being with me brought up too much envy for her to "feel like a good person" in the relationship. Since then, we've both gone on to intermittently and casually date other people. She and I took a long break from talking or hanging out; however, we recently started trying to be friends again and, for whatever crazy-ass reason, this led to her and I starting to sleep together again. This has happened about five times now. Is this me being totally self-loathing and self-destructive? What the hell motivates people to sleep with their exes? Is it possible to "have your cake and eat it (out)" too? Really, I just  don't want to have my heart broken again. Is there anything I can do to protect myself? -Somewhat Stupid in Sellwood  

Hey there, Somewhat!

Let’s listen to music … You remind me of the immortal words of Janet Jackson: “Like a moth to a flame burned by the fire.†You are the fire and some moths just can’t stand their partners burning so bright. I should know, being a “huge†star, it takes a real man to prop me up and let me burn! Like Dolly Parton — she’s constantly in the public eye, and Carl (her husband) prefers to remain in the background and let his celebrity wife take the spotlight. A man who knows his place. Since you broke up, you’ve Tori Amosed it by “looking for a savior in these dirty streets, looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets.†Right? You found no closure in her wishy-washy breakup excuse. Then one day she is back in your life and it’s like Tegan and Sara sang: “Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive. Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go. Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love. Look me in the heart and un-break what’s broken.†I really love a good lesbian heartbreak story! That is why there are so many songs about them — the excitement of getting back with an ex and not being sure of the rules. It’s familiar, yet there’s no footing. Maybe she wants you off your guard so your flame is blown by an uneasy wind. “You're begging me to go, then making me stay — why do you hurt me so bad? It would help me to know: do I stand in your way? Or am I the best thing you've had?†Thanks, Pat Benatar, for some important questions you need to ask yourself. I asked Google about songs with “cake and eat it too†and I found this gem from Britney: “Cause that’s what bad girls do. I’m a bad girl I’ma do what I do I can have my cake and eat it too. A girl like me will bring you to your knees.†I like them words! I like cake! I like bad girls! So do it, if that’s what you want. If you don’t want have your heart broken again then you need a big closing dance number — now. Become Gloria Gaynor. Declare: “I Will Survive!†And give me some finger shakin’, head rockin’, “Go! Walk out the door.†We clear now? Good. Now go find a new single that will start your next drama soundtrack. —Gula Delgatto  
Gula Delgatto’s life began in a small rural farming town in Romaina. She was scouted singing in a rocky field picking potatoes by a producer of a “Mickey Mouse Club†type ensemble. While touring theAmericasthe group fell apart due to jealousies and drugs. She later transitioned from Vaudeville to starring on the big screen to woman’s prison, and eventually advised the Dali Lama on fashion n-stuff. Currently she’s taking her life knowledge and giving back in an advice column for PQ.

Dear Somewhat Stupid in Sellwood,

Oh honey! It's the lesbian curse. You date ... you break up ... you don't speak ... then you fool around and most likely become best friends. It's not just you, trust me. Even I have fallen to the curse; most do. But don't feel stupid. It's called human nature. It seems like you two didn't have a nasty break up. It seems like she ended the relationship because she didn't feel adequate enough. For whatever reason she was putting too much on what she couldn't offer you and not enough on what you offered each other. At any rate, I have a feeling you and her are back in each others’ beds because you still care for one another. And let's be honest, you still have the hots for one another. I don't think you are being self-loathing at all. I think it's a comfortable and familiar place for you. She knows what you like and how you like it, just as you know what she likes. There isn't too much messing around trying to figure out what works and what doesn't work; you guys already have it figured out. Here are the questions you have to ask yourself: Do you still love her? Does she say she loves you and, if so, how does it make you feel? When you express yourself, does she listen to you?; Does she only call you for a booty call? Do you and her only get along in bed or can you two co-exist out of the bedroom? These are very important questions to consider. As easy as we think it is to separate sex from emotion, it just isn't that simple most the time. You have to remember, you are the only one who can protect you. You also might want to ask her why she is back in your life. Is it just for the physical joys or does she want your company too? I think you can have your cake and eat out too. But you also have to be aware of your emotions and how you are dealing with any possible hurtful actions that may arise. If you don't see yourself getting too emotional, then by all means, satisfy your sweet tooth, honey. But if you think this is really messing with your emotions and your heart just can't handle it, then you may want to go on a diet. xoxox, Sophia St. James  
Sophia St. James has been an erotic entertainer since 1996. She has traveled performing and educating the public on self confidence, self worth, and the art of sensuality no matter their outer appearance. Working as a sex and sensuality educator, sex toy/product reviewer, adult film director/producer, model, and erotic visual performer, Sophia is a well rounded woman with drive and determination. Sophia is also a mother and healthcare professional who takes pride in being a body positive and sex positive fierce femme.
  Need some advice from Sophia and Gula? Send your query — with “Queen and Saint†in the subject line — to info@pqmonthly.com.