Montana Lawmaker Thinks Retractable Pens are "Deviate," Just Like Gay Sex

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Montana Rep. Dave Hagstrom. Montana Rep. Dave Hagstrom.
By Nick Mattos, PQ Monthly
Montana lawmaker Rep. Dave Hagstrom thinks gay sex is "deviate," like a retractable pen — but "that doesn't mean that it's a problem." Yesterday, Montana lawmakers voted to repeal the state's archaic and unenforceable "deviate sexual conduct" law, decriminalizing gay sex in the Last Best Place. However, the second reading of SB-107 did bring out Rep. Dave Hagstrom, who delivered one of the most frustratingly bizarre arguments against queer equality we've ever heard. After explaining that he had "a lot of love and respect for a whole number of homosexual friends, so there’s no homophobic issues going on here at all" (riiiight...) Hagstrom delivered his argument:
“I don’t think that homosexual sex is necessarily not deviate. Bad word? Deviate simply means it’s not normal, it’s not typical....This pen has two purposes. The first purpose, of course, is to write. The second purpose is to retract, so that it doesn’t leave a stain on your shirt or your purse. So it has two purposes, but one is primary and the other is secondary. To me, sex’s primary purpose is to produce people, that’s why we’re all here. Sex that doesn’t produce people is deviate. That doesn’t mean that it’s a problem. It just means it’s not doing its primary purpose. So I’m just speaking to the bill and I encourage people to vote red.â€
First off: pens have way more uses than simply writing or retracting. A quick survey of the PQ team yielded a long, yet by no means comprehensive list of other uses for pens:
  • Stabbing or gouging
  • Holding one's hair up
  • Makeshift chopsticks
  • Extending one's reach to get objects out of hard-to-reach places
  • Musical instrument, like a drum stick
  • Re-winding a cassette
  • Carving into wood
  • Prison-style tattooing
  • Measuring things by pen-lengths
  • Masturbating
  • Makeshift cat toy
  • Projectile weapon
  • Pushing in recessed buttons, such as those on a car's dashboard clock
  • Marketing or branding tool
  • Small split for fingers or toes
  • Chew toy for humans
  • Holding one's page in a book
Additionally, Hagstrom overlooks that there are numerous types of pens that, while constructed differently and utilizing different means of execution, still execute the function of writing. Following his argument, does an inkbrush or quill pen have a "deviant" function of being dipped into ink? Considering that one would have to dip such a pen — or extend the tip of a retractable pen — to execute the "primary" function of writing, can these functionalities really be considered "deviant?" Is Hagstrom goofed up on goofballs? Believe us, we certainly love bizarre metaphors — but this is just ridiculous.