Whiskey & Sympathy: February/March 2013

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Dear Sophia and Gula

I’ve been in a polyamorous relationship with three wonderful women for two years, and at the start everything was gorgeous. We were all very much in love, and had wonderful communication about it. However, just recently I’ve realized that when it comes down to it, I only really love and want to be with one of the women in particular, and would rather that she and I had a monogamous relationship. In the late-night hours she and I have talked a bit about it and she seems open, but we’re both horrified about what the effect may be for the others in our group. Our communication is good, but there’s no way this won’t hurt other peoples’ feelings. How can I best navigate this ever-so-tricky sitch? Closin’ it Down in Downtown

Dear Downtown,

Sophia St. James Sophia St. James
Polyamory is a tricky thing. It takes full communication and open and honest expressions. I have found in polygamous relationships that there tends to be a stronger connection between two specific individuals in the relationship. Because of this, there tends to be one or more persons who become the “third wheel.†It is really important to be able to express what and how you feel within the group. However, ending a relationship with a member of the polyamorous relationship is very similar to the way you would end a monogamous relationship. First step is figuring out what you need and want out of the relationship. Know why you need to end these romantic connections. What compels you to want a monogamous relationship? Another part to this is determining why you would like to end the romantic connection with this person. You gotta figure they are going to ask questions. Be direct. Be polite and considerate of their feelings, but don’t prance around the topic. Once the decision has been made, follow through with it. Try to develop an outline of what you want to say, how you want to say it, and how you are going to deliver that message. Do not break up over the phone, email, or text. Honor what you shared by being present with them. Be honest. Talk to them about your desire to be in a monogamous relationship. Explain to them what you need right now. Don’t be defensive. The others are going to be hurt. Remember, this was your idea and it may come as a complete surprise to your other partners. Allow them time to process and work through the news. If it appears that they are too upset to continue the discussion, suggest revisiting the topic after they have had a moment to internalize everything. Give them space. Don’t try to be their friend right after delivering the news. Not only do they need the time to work through this and time to heal, you will need healing time too. I can tell you care about them because you are already acknowledging their feelings and wanting to do it “right.†Let them know that you want to be their friend in the future but having some time and space to mend is the important thing right now. Good luck! Sophia
Sophia St. James has been an erotic entertainer since 1996. She has traveled performing and educating the public on self confidence, self worth, and the art of sensuality no matter their outer appearance. Working as a sex and sensuality educator, sex toy/product reviewer, adult film director/producer, model, and erotic visual performer, Sophia is a well rounded woman with drive and determination. Sophia is also a mother and healthcare professional who takes pride in being a body positive and sex positive fierce femme.

Closin’ it,

Gula Delgatto
It seems like I get a lot of relationship troubles like this. If you’re in a traditional or poly relationship, the troubles can be all the same. The honeymoon is over and real life creeps in. You just have more people’s feelings to deal with. When a relationship is over there is always one side that will feel rejected more than the other. I was in a relationship for about a year when my best friend had moved to town and I was going to Italy for a month. I introduced them right before I left. In Italy I would call home and tell them I missed them so much! Bought them presents and couldn’t wait to see them when I got home. I heard they were getting along so well it made me sooooo happy! Then they said they started a business together … I kinda thought that was weird — but cool! They really got along! Now I’m back from Italy, the three of us do everything together, it’s Christmas time, and I get a phone call from my best friend stating they are in love and couldn’t keep it from me anymore. They made romantic holiday plans and it would seem suspicious if they left and came back the same day. I was so hurt it happened, but I felt like a fool cuz they let it go on — in front of me —for so long! That day I lost a boyfriend but worse I lost a best friend. You need to be very careful how you treat this situation cuz your other partners are losing friends and lovers. At the end of the day you will still have your other partner to hold and make each other feel better. Rip the Band-Aid! The longer you have late night meetings the longer you seem like you have been plotting the break and more feelings will be hurt. My recommendation is to let your other lovers know how you still love and appreciate them but need to speak from your heart and you don’t mean to break theirs. Respect feelings: all of you will NOT sleep together until things are in a settled space. If the others have yet to move out, you will need to find places to sleep; there is no need to couple up in front of them. You should also ask if there is anything you can do to help the transition. Breaking up is hard to do — just be kind. Love, Gula
Gula Delgatto’s life began in a small rural farming town in Romaina. She was scouted singing in a rocky field picking potatoes by a producer of a “Mickey Mouse Club†type ensemble. While touring the Americas the group fell apart due to jealousies and drugs. She later transitioned from Vaudeville to starring on the big screen to woman’s prison, and eventually advised the Dali Lama on fashion n-stuff. Currently she’s taking her life knowledge and giving back in an advice column for PQ.
Need some advice from Sophia and Gula? Send your query — with “Whiskey & Sympathy†in the subject line — to info@pqmonthly.com.